Poker Jokes

This is the section of PokerHarder where you can get away from the serious business of playing poker and enjoy some of the best poker jokes from around the world. 

It’s good to take a break from poker from time to time, whether you’re on tilt or you’ve just been playing for hours.  In our poker fun section you will also find a gallery of the hottest babes in poker, some awesome poker videos and hilarious fail pictures.  On top of that our editor spent weeks going through books and the internet and asking many high roller players for their funniest jokes to bring you the most witty and entertaining poker jokes and humour around.

Taking a break from playing poker is a great way to reduce any tilt and refocus your mind so that when you start playing again you will be playing your best game and hopefully taking everyone else’s chips.

So whenever you want a fun distraction come to the PokerHarder jokes page and fun section.  You can send any jokes you like to your friends and fellow players when they need a distraction as well.  Come and have fun with us at PokerHarder, below you will find a collection of amusing poker humour, jokes and statements.

Joke #1: 5 Signs You Might Have A Poker Addiction…

  1. You can stack $10.00 worth of quarters into 8 perfect stacks of 5 quarters each in three seconds flat
  2. You yell, “Ship it!” at the ATM when you withdraw cash.
  3. You use the phrase “bad beat” when lending a sympathetic ear to a friend.
  4. Your kids are named Check and Raise
  5. You are having such a bad day at hold ’em that you decide to take a break… and play Omaha

Joke #2: You Know You’re Running Bad When…

  1. The guy next to you keeps telling you where the ATM is
  2. You order a cheese sandwich at $1.10, and by the time the waitress brings it, you can’t pay for it.
  3. When you start cussing out someone for calling your pre-flop raise with JQ (suited)
  4. The only things you say all night are ‘Nice hand’, ‘Well played’ and ‘Chips’!
  5. The nice little old lady with the big pile of (your) chips in front of her inquires if you play here often.

Joke #3: The Dead Poker Player

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, ‘Now, who is going to tell the wife?’

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.

‘Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.’

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, ‘Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.’

She hollers, ‘TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!’

Rippington says, ‘I’ll tell him.’

Joke #5: The rabbi, a minister and a priest.

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing poker when the police came with his dog to raid the game. Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: ‘Father Murphy, were you gambling?

Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, ‘Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do.‘ To the police officer, he then says, ‘No, officer, I was not gambling.

The officer then asks the minister: ‘Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?’

Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, ‘No, officer, I was not gambling.

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks: ‘Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?

Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: ‘With whom?

Joke #6: Silent Tommy

Little Tommy was the quietest boy in school. He never answered any questions but his homework was always quite excellent. If any one said anything to him he would simply nod, or shake his head. The staff thought he was shy and decided to do something to give him confidence.

Tommy,‘ said his teacher. ‘I’ve just bet Miss Smith $5 I can get you to say three words. You can have half.
Tommy looked at her pityingly and said, ‘You lose.

Joke #7: Husband’s losing rent money
‘That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker,’ the housewife told a neighbour.

‘You didn’t do it, did you?’

‘I have to admit I did — though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven’t done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!’

Joke #8: Kids Play Poker Too

The milkman walks up to number 36, and as he passes the window he looks in and sees a group of young boys drinking bourbon and playing poker for what looks like huge stakes.

He rings the bell and a 6 year old boy answers with cards in his hand and a cigar in his mouth…

The milkman asks, ‘Are your parents in?

The boy replies, “WHAT DO YOU F$@%*NG THINK?”

Joke #9: Blondie Plays Poker

Did ya hear about the blonde who brought a bag of frozen?

french fries to a poker game?

Someone told her to bring her own chips.

Joke #10: Vampires playing poker

What do vampires play poker for?

‘High stakes‘.